Microsoft Flight Simulator X
Banned Xbox 360 Ad
Bill Gates Wants a Coke
Steve Ballmer Sells Windows 1.0
Monday, April 30, 2007
Funny Microsoft Commercials
Microsoft Flight Simulator X
Banned Xbox 360 Ad
Bill Gates Wants a Coke
Steve Ballmer Sells Windows 1.0
Enthusiastic Salesman
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
" Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?"
"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady.
MORAL: Gather All resources be4 working on any project...!!!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Some Husband Wife Funnies !!
Husband & Wife - Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,
"One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Husband & Wife - Why?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
Husband & Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Husband & Wife - Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked." And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:
"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."
Husband & Wife - Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,
"One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Husband & Wife - Why?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
Husband & Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Husband & Wife - Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked." And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:
"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."
Husband & Wife - Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
Job Application !
This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
'post-it' notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That's why I'm applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be
the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that
now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Women's Dictionary
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Common Business Phrases - What They Really Mean!!
A Clarification - To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.
A Conference - A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.
A Meeting - A mass mulling by master minds.
A Program - Any assignment that can't be completed by one telephone call.
Action is being taken - Your correspondence is lost and we are still trying to locate it.
Action please - Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.
Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.
Channels - be trail left by the interoffice memo.
Consultant (or Expert) - Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.
Coordinator - me guy who has a desk between two expeditors.
Copy to - Here's a share of the headache.
Essentially complete: It's half done.
Expedite - To confound confusion with commotion
For your approval, please - Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.
For your immediate action - Do it NOW! Or we'll all get into trouble.
For your information, please (FYI) - We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.
For your necessary action - It's your headache now.
Give Us the Benefit of Your Present Thinking - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to
do.
Give us your interpretation -- Your warped opinion will be pitted against your adversary's good sense.
Informed Source - The guy who told the guy you just met.
It is in process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
Let's Get Together on This - I'm assuming you're as confused as I am.
Not well defined at this time: Nobody's even thought about it.
Not well understood: Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.
Note and Initial - Let's spread the responsibility for this.
Noted and returned - We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.
Please discuss - I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.
Please note and initial -- Let's spread the responsibility for this.
Please reply soon - Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.
Potential show stopper - The team has updated their resumes.
Regards - Thanks for reading all the bullshit.
Reliable Source - The guy you just met.
Re-orientation - Getting used to working again.
Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!
Results are being quantified: We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
Results are promising: Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time...
Review and comment - Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.
See Me, or Let's Discuss - Come down to my office, I'm lonesome.
Serious but not insurmountable problems: It'll take a miracle.
Task force to review: Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project
To Activate - To make carbons and add more names to the memo.
To Give Someone the Picture - A long, confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.
To Inplement a Program - Hire more people and expand the office.
To Negotiate - To seek a meeting of minds without knocking together of heads.
Under Active Consideration - We're looking in the files for it.
Under Consideration - Never heard of it.
Unimpeachable Source - The guy who started the rumor originally.
We are aware of it -- We had hoped that the fool who started it would have forgotten about it by this time.
We are investigating/processing your request with the relevant authorities - They are causing the delay, not us.
We are making a survey -- We need more time to think of an answer.
We predict: We hope to God!
We will look into it - By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it too.
Will advise you in due course -- If we figure it out, we'll let you know.
Your letter is receiving our attention - We are still trying to figure out what you want.
Funny Tech Support Calls
- Customer: "I have just received your software, but I have these plastic things, what are they?"
- Tech Support: "Could you describe them please?"
- Customer: "They are black plastic, thin, and square."
- Tech Support: "Anything else?"
- Customer: "They have a metal bit on one edge."
- Tech Support: "Disks?"
- Customer: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just brought your package. What do I do with them?"
I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate already.
- Tech Support: "Put the disks in the drive."
- Customer: "What's a drive?"
- Tech Support: "The slot in your machine that looks just the right size for the disk."
- Customer: "Which machine?"
- Tech Support: "Do you have a hard drive?"
- Customer: "I have two boxes. One has a picture on it."
- Tech Support: "Put the first disk in, metal side first."
- Customer: "Ok. It's gone in."
- Tech Support: "Go to the 'start' button, then run, then type 'setup'."
- Customer: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn it on?"
- Tech Support: "Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and press the button that says 'power' on the machine without the pictures on it."
- Customer: "Ok. Done."
- Tech Support: "Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type 'setup'."
- Customer: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks, but your software isn't very easy to use, is it?"
- Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your desktop?"
- Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on the shelf. Um, a modem."
- Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the software you are using though. What do you click on?"
- Customer: "Oh. Ok."
- Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you use to click on?"
- Customer: "The mouse?"
- Customer: "Right! I demand satisfaction!"
- Tech Support: "I see. Well, I'm here to try and help you. What kind of problem are you having?"
- Customer: "It's not my problem! The 'commuter' I bought six weeks ago just won't work! I can't do a damned thing with it!"
- Tech Support: "I see. Do you mean it won't even switch on, or is it something else?"
- Customer: "Don't try to sandbag me! I know my rights!"
- Tech Support: "Sir, could you explain the problem you are having so I can better help you with it?"
- Customer: "I've called them all, AOL, Nildram, Tiscali, and none of them are any good."
- Tech Support: "Ok, so are you saying that you're having problems getting on-line?"
- Customer: "Look, it doesn't work! I want satisfaction!"
- Tech Support: "Ok, well I need to ask you some questions to help you with the problem."
- Customer: "Fine, but I doubt you're going to fix it."
- Tech Support: "Is your modem installed and plugged into the phone line?"
- Customer: "How would I know if it's plugged in?"
- Tech Support: (describes how the back of the machine looks and where the modem is)
- Customer: "Yes, that's just how mine looks, and it doesn't work, so just accept that it's broken!"
- Tech Support: "Which cable did you connect the modem to the phone line with, sir?"
- Customer: "I have to wire the stupid thing in?"
I used to work for the computer helpdesk for a police force in northwest England, and it was there that I became infected with "Typistophobia," as a result of a typist from a particular police station who suffered from a lack of any of the social graces. She would regularly ring us with real or imagined problems, all of which were, of course, the computer's fault.
My first experience with this lady was as follows:
- Customer: "Me machine's broke."
- Me: "Ok, what wrong with it?"
- Customer: "I've just tole yer -- IT'S BROKE!"
- Me: "Ok, so what's it doing wrong?"
- Customer: "Nothing."
...
- Me: "Is there anything on the screen?"
- Customer: "Yeh, garbage."
- Me: "What sort of garbage?"
- Customer: "I've tole yer -- garbage."
...
- Me: "Can you read out the garbage to me?"
- Customer: "P-L-E-A-S-E P-R-E-S-S E-N-T-E ...... !" (click)
Gateway color codes their connectors as well as their ports. Yet:
- Customer: "I'm looking at the back of the system, and I don't know where to plug in the mouse. There are two holes that are the same size as the mouse."
- Tech Support: "Ok, what color is the tip of the mouse plug?"
- Customer: "Orange."
- Tech Support: "Do you see the orange 'hole' on the back of the computer?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "That is where the mouse plugs into."
- Customer: "Oh. How about the keyboard?"
- Tech Support: "What color is the plug on the keyboard?"
- Customer: "Purple."
- Tech Support: "And do you see the purple 'hole' on the back of the computer?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "That is where the keyboard plugs in. The tips are color coded."
- Customer: "I see. How about the speakers?"
I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.
- Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
- Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
- Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
- Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
- Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
- Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.
- Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
- Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
- Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
- Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
- Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
- Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
- Customer: "Oh."
- Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
- Customer: "Why?"
- Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
- Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
- Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
- Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.
- Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.
- Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."
- Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?"
- Customer: "I can't get it to do."
- Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?"
- Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do."
- Tech Support: "Let's check your setup."
- Customer: "Okey dokey."
- Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon."
- Customer: "I don't see that one."
- Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?"
- Customer: "Wood."
- Tech Support: "What's on your screen, ma'am?"
- Customer: "A bunch of names."
- Tech Support: "Like what?"
- Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim."
- Tech Support: "What screen are you on?"
- Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go get my daughter. She's the computer guru of the family."
- Tech Support: "Great, thank you."
- April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?"
- Tech Support: "Mike."
- April: "Mike. Cool, dude."
- Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
- April: "You will have to excuse my mother. She's a little dense."
- Tech Support: "No problem."
- April: "How old are you?"
- Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the 'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon?"
- April: "Sorry, I don't see that one."
- Tech Support: "What do you see?"
- April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim."
- Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?"
- April: "Ninety-something I guess."
- Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot."
- April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done."
- Tech Support: "What does your screen say?
- April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper."
- Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double click on 'Bill,' and see what happens."
- April: "What is this?"
- Tech Support: "What did it do?"
- April: "It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc."
- Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon named Bill?"
- April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?"
My company develops an online education product for which we provide email and phone support. A large amount of our users are first-year college students, many of which have little or no computer experience. Our product requires that you use IE or Netscape and is not compatible with AOL's browser. This often causes some problems with our users as many of them subscribe to AOL. This phone call had me laughing for a good half hour and most of the other support staff in tears.
- Tech Support: "Good evening, how can I help you?"
- Customer: "Uhh, yeah, I'm tryin' t' use this here program t' take a course online, and it ain't workin'."
- Tech Support: "All right, what kind of computer do you have? I want to make sure it's ok to run our software."
- Customer: "Uhh, well, it's my dad's computer, and I don't know what it is. It jus' says COMPAQ on the front."
- Tech Support: "Ok, and you can connect to the Internet, right?"
- Customer: "Yup, that's not the problem though. I can't take muh course."
- Tech Support: "All right, what browser and version do you use?"
- Customer: "Whut's a browser?"
- Tech Support: "It's the program you use to see things on the Internet. Do you use Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
- Customer: "Uh, I dunno." (agitated) "I don't know much 'bout this computer stuff. The school just said I hafta do sum' muh courses on it."
- Tech Support: "Ok, well, when you connect to the Internet and see information, is there a fancy 'N' in a box on the upper right hand corner of the screen, or is it a blue 'e' with a stripe across it?"
- Customer: "Uh, I don't see none of that."
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, do you know if you use America Online to get on the Internet?"
- Customer: "Uh, no, ah use AOL."
One thing that really got to me before I was removed from phone support for sanity reasons, was customers who wouldn't read instructions, no matter how conspicuous you made them. You could print directions on red paper and paste it on the software itself with 300 point type saying, "IMPORTANT: READ THIS!" and people would still not read it.
We packaged our software with a piece of paper with "SOFTWARE INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS" printed on the top, and one day a customer called me to ask how to install the software.
- Me: "Sir, do you have the original packaging?"
- Customer: "Yeah, it's here."
- Me: "Can you find a piece of paper that says, 'Software Installation Instructions'?"
- Customer: "Yup, here it is."
- Me: "So, what did you do so far?"
- Customer: "Well I booted from the disk and followed the prompts until it rebooted."
- Me: "Ok, so I'm looking at these instructions too, and it looks like you've gotten through steps 1-5, but there are still four more steps on the installation sheet."
- Customer: "Ok, so what do I do next?"
- Me: "Sir, do you see the number 6?"
- Customer: "Yup."
- Me: "What does it say?"
- Customer: "It says to reinsert the disk and click on [filename]."
- Me: "Ok, so I'd go ahead and do that."
- Customer: "Ok, so now what, do I click on 'OK'?"
- Me: "Sir, in step 6, does it then say to click on 'OK'!?"
- Customer: "Yup."
- Me: "Then I'd go ahead and do that."
- Customer: "Ok...so, what do I do next?"
- Me: "Sir, do you see the number 7!?!?!?"
I worked for a company that provided billing and office management software to physicians' offices. Most of our users had dumb terminals with dial-up or dedicated lines that connected them to a stack of Unix systems at our facility. One day, we received a call transferred from the front-line help desk. The user was saying her enter key wasn't working.
My co-worker and I were the support techs for the organization. We took the call and found that when the user hit the enter key, the information wasn't accepted, and the cursor simply moved one column to the right. Now, the terminal hardware in the offices was rather old and prone to bizarre failure behavior. Keyboards and logic controllers would die in very odd ways.
We went through our hardware troubleshooting procedures. We confirmed that it was just this one key that was malfunctioning, and that the problem persisted when the keyboard was swapped out with another.
We tried checking keyboard mapping settings in the terminal and in the software she was using, but nothing worked. Finally we monitored the serial data stream by hooking another terminal up to the inbound port on the multiplexer and placing it into "dump" mode. As the user hit the troubled enter key, we saw a continuous line of hex 0x20's -- the ASCII space character.
At this point we were resolved to having to replace the whole terminal. As we had no spares and were waiting on a shipment, we couldn't do it for at least three days. The user expressed concern at being without a functional terminal for that period. We asked her to use the second enter key until we could fix the problem permanently. The following dialog ensued:
- Her: "What second enter key?"
- Me: "Over on the right hand side of the keyboard, there's a number pad. There should be an enter key over there that you can use."
- Her: "Which one?"
- Me: "It should say 'Enter' or have a crooked arrow pointing to the left, depending on the keyboard model. It should look identical to the broken enter key."
- Her: "There's no key over there that looks the same."
- Me: "Well, what does the broken key say on it?"
- Her: "It doesn't say anything."
- Me: "What does the broken enter key look like, exactly?"
- Her: "It's big and long, and it doesn't have anything on it."
- Me: "... And it's the one at the bottom of the keyboard?"
- Her: "Yes, that's it!"
- Me: "And you say that every time you hit it, it just puts a space on the screen?"
- Her: "Yeah!"
- Me: "That's because you're hitting the space bar."
We heard a swift intake of breath, and then the user hung up.
Somehow, one day after years of working on the same software, with the same terminal, performing the same procedure, she decided that the space bar was the enter key. We stared at each other for about five minutes after she hung up, utterly disbelieving that we didn't even think about checking to make sure the user was hitting the right key and even more disbelieving that in the nearly 45 minutes she was on the phone, it never occurred to her that the key marked 'enter' might be the one she wanted.
- Co-Worker: "I have a customer her who say's he cannot access a specific record and gets kicked out of the program."
- Me: "Ask him if he had any network problems lately."
- Co-Worker: "I already asked the usual questions, but nothing works."
During this conversation I found all the symptoms pointed to a server crash. But my co-worker assured me that they have had no server problems whatsoever. So I asked him to ask the customer to send a copy of the database for further examination. Surely all the tell tale symptoms of a server crash would be there, and I joined my co-worker at his desk for the remainder of the conversation.
- Co-Worker: "Sir, we believe you had a server crash that resulted in the database getting corrupted. We'll need the working database to correct the problem."
- Customer: "We didn't have a server crash. It must be a fault in your program. I want a patch to fix this problem."
- Co-Worker: "The program is running fine, but we have a strong indication that you did have a problem with your server, and we'll need your database to repair this problem."
- Customer: "Look, we did not have a server problem."
- Co-Worker "Sir, we know that you had a server crash. And to avoid further problems we have to repair your database as soon as possible."
- Customer: "What is wrong with you people? I told you, WE DID NOT HAVE A SERVER CRASH. I want a patch for the program."
- Co-Worker: (reading from the database log file) "On [date] at [time], [customer] -- that is your login name, right? -- booted up. And halfway through the login procedure the the system stopped logging. Now--"
- Customer: "I KNOW THAT! That's why I'm complaining. Your software did this."
- Co-Worker: "Sir, we have no indication that the program wrote any faulty data to the database. Are you sure you have had no problems with the server? Anything suspicious? Even trivial thoughts?"
- Customer: "No, nothing.........ehm......I don't think it is relevant but......someone turned the server switch off by mistake this morning, but he turned it back on really quickly so that can't have been the problem.... Right...?"
A gentleman with a western accent called up saying that he was not satisfied with our service and wished to cancel. After telling him that he would need to call back during business hours and speak with customer service, I asked if there was anything I could do to make the service more satisfactory.
- Customer: "Well, I've had ya guys for months now, and still I can't get connected."
- Tech Support: "Have you called us about this before?"
- Customer: "Well, yes, a couple of times."
So I got his username and looked him up. Sure enough, there were two tech logs under his name, so I read them briefly. Virtually everything that could be checked had been checked. Something about the way he was talking to me made me a little curious, so I continued to ask questions.
- Tech Support: "From what I can tell, the techs have helped you doublecheck your settings and everything should be perfectly fine. Do you use Netscape or Internet Explorer to connect?"
- Customer: "Well, now, I dunno. I just use the stuff ya gave me. When I wanna get online, I click this here."
- Tech Support: "Can you be a little more specific?"
- Customer: "I move the little arrow here and click."
- Tech Support: "Can you tell me what icons are on your desktop?"
- Customer: "I ain't got no icons."
- Tech Support: (blink) "You don't? None at all?"
- Customer: "Nope."
- Tech Support: "Well, ok. Do you have something on your desktop that says, 'Shortcut to [our Internet service]'?"
- Customer: "No, I ain't got nothin' written like that on my desktop."
- Tech Support: "Ok, um...can you tell me what's on your desktop, then?"
- Customer: "Well, I gots me here a pencil, the computer, and my coffee."
- Tech Support: "Um, all right...can you tell me what you see on the TV part of your computer?"
- Customer: "On one side there's a buncha pictures, and across the top there's words."
- Tech Support: "Good, sir, that's what I hoped you would say. The little pictures are called 'icons,' and the whole screen area that the little pictures are on is called the 'desktop.'"
- Customer: "Oh. Hell, is that what you meant? I ain't the religious type, so don't keep no Marys or nothin' around."
- Tech Support: "Um, yes, that's what I was meaning, sir. Now, on your screen, the desktop, do you see anything that says 'Shortcut to the Internet' or '[our Internet service]'?"
- Customer: "Why, yes I do. In fact, that's what I click on when I try to connect."
- Tech Support: "And then what happens sir?"
- Customer: "Well, the computer makes all kinds of annoying sounds, then pops up a little thing sayin' I'm connected."
- Tech Support: "Go--"
- Customer: (interrupting) "Now before ya say anythin', I wantcha ta know it lies."
- Tech Support: "It what?"
- Customer: "The little thing sayin' I'm connected. It ain't talkin' the truth."
- Tech Support: "Um...ok...what makes you say that?"
- Customer: "Well, because after that nothin' happens. Nothin' at all."
- Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
- Customer: "Well, it says I'm connected, but nothin' else happens. I'm a patient man, but after about half an hour, my computer finally gives up the truth an' says I'm not connected no more."
- Tech Support: "Have you tried using a web browser, sir? Do you get any kind of errors when you try opening a web page?"
- Customer: "I'm tellin' you, nothin' happens."
- Tech Support: "All right. What do you use for a web browser?"
- Customer: "I'm not quite sure whatcha mean."
- Tech Support: "Netscape Navigator? Internet Explorer? Do you use any programs like those?"
- Customer: "Now why would I need anything like that? All I want to do is get connected."
- Tech Support: "Right sir, you are getting conn--"
- Customer: "Now listen here, I just done told ya that I'm not. I think I'd know if anything happened after I tried to connect. By now I'm getting rather frustrated, but still I press on."
- Tech Support: "Ok, let me try to explain a couple of things. First of all, when most people talk about 'surfing the web' and 'getting on the Internet' they're usually talking about viewing web pages on the Internet."
- Customer: "I follow ya."
- Tech Support: "In order to view these pages, the person needs to run a web browsing program -- typically Netscape Navigator or Internet Explorer. These turn the information on a web site into a format that is understandable by an ordinary person."
- Customer: "So I need one of them ta get connected?"
- Tech Support: "Actually, sir, you are already getting connected. Once you get that 'connected' message, you need to open up a web browser."
- Customer: "I do?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, sir. On your screen, do you have a 'little picture' that looks like a big 'N' or do you have one that looks like an 'e'?"
- Customer: "I got one what looks like an 'N'."
- Tech Support: "All right, sir, here's what I want you to do: After hanging up with me, I want you to connect like you usually do. Once you get that 'connected' box to appear on your screen, I want you to click on the picture of an 'N'. If things still aren't happening after that, go ahead and call us back."
- Customer: "All right, I'll try that, but I tell ya: ain't nothin' gonna happen."
The customer never called back. He also did not cancel his service the next day. The whole call took just over an hour and a half and I was ready to pull my hair out at several points. After the call, though, we were laughing over it for hours.
- Tech Support: "Ok you should now see a small dialog box on your desktop."
- Customer: "I don't see any box on my desktop."
- Tech Support: "Hmmm, are you sure? It looks like a small window with an 'OK' button in the middle of it."
- Customer: "How can a window be in my desktop?"
- Tech Support: "Sir, what are you looking at?"
- Customer: "My desktop like you asked. There's no box on it, just the computer. However I do have a small window at the top of my wall, but I don't see anything that says 'ok'...."
Thinking quickly, I decided to palm the call off to one of our younger support technicians, deciding this would be the perfect "field trip" for him. I told the customer we would have a technician drop by on site that afternoon to help him.
The following is what the unsuspecting young technician experienced.
The customer's house appeared to be in the middle of nowhere: there was nothing but barren land for miles in all directions. As he approached the house, he noticed a ring of cows, dogs, chickens, and pigs running loose and circling the house making an awful noise.
As he approached the house, he noticed a dead, half eaten animal near the front of the house. Later, he learned, whenever the customer needed to feed his dogs, he would step outside and shoot a calf.
Entering the house, the young technician noticed a very large pet door in the door. This was so the dogs and pigs could come and go as they pleased.
Inside the house was absolute filth. Mud and grime covered the floor and the walls, pigs lay on the couch, and dogs sat on the recliner chairs. The stench of filth was unbearable.
The customer took the technician to the back room, where the computer had been set up. A chicken was nesting on top of the monitor and droppings were running down the side.
It was too much. He ran, terrified out of his wits, and never looked back. Later the tech called me from his home, where he was still trying to wash the stench from his clothes. He hadn't been in our ex-customer's house for even five minutes, and his clothes were ruined.
I work for Microsoft as a certified Word Professional. One day I received a call from a woman who had much difficulty explaining herself and even more difficulty understanding what I was asking of her.
- Tech Support: "Ok, what version of word do you have?"
- Customer: "Virgin!?"
- Tech Support: "No, no...what VERSION do you have?"
- Customer: "Huh?"
- Tech Support: "You know what? I don't care. Let's move on."
Pointless bickering and senseless rambling about her problem.
- Tech Support: "And how often does this happen?"
- Customer: "Well, it doesn't happen all the time, but when it happens, it happens constantly."
- Tech Support: "Uh huh."
I had to hit the mute button to avoid letting her hear my agitated laughter.
The call lasted forty five minutes. I began to think that she didn't really know what I was saying, nor had the intelligence to question why I hadn't begun troubleshooting. Then I had an idea.
- Tech Support: "Well everything seems to be in good standing on your system. Nice talking with you."
- Customer: "Oh, THANK YOU!! Thank you very much!" (click)
I never really found out what her issue was.
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, we'll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then--"
- Customer: "Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot -- I know what I'm doing!"
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file search."
- Customer: "How do I do that?"
A former professor of mine was receiving a Javascript error when trying to view a particular web page. In trying to determine why he was having the trouble I asked what browser he was using.
- Me: "You may have an older browser. What browser are you using?"
- Him: "Well, I don't have a brand new computer, but it's not obsolete. I have Pentium 233 with 64 of the big ones."
- Me: "You mean 64 megs of RAM?"
- Him: "Yeah, RAM."
- Me: "Ok, but what browser are you using? Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
- Him: "I have Windows 95."
- Me: "Ok, that's the operating system. What do you use to look at a web site?"
- Him: "Oh, I'm using Office 97."
- Me: "Yes, but what browser? When you look at a web site, what program do you use?"
- Him: "Office 97."
- Me: "Office 97 isn't a browser though. When you double click on the icon to connect to the Internet, it opens a program that lets you look at web sites on the Internet. What program opens? Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
- Him: "My computer is not obsolete. I have Pentium 233."
I never did find out what browser he uses.
- Tech Support: "Hold down the F2 key."
- Customer: "Where is that?"
- Tech Support: "On the left side of your keyboard, above the two -- just right of the Escape key."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "So now we are in the System Setup screen?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "All right. Hit your Ctrl-Alt-Delete keys. Then your F2 key."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Now we are in the System Setup?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Does it say, 'Loading Windows 95'?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Can you describe what is on your screen?"
- Customer: "It's gray."
- Tech Support: "Just gray? It does not say anything?"
- Customer: "No. Just gray...with blue and white."
- Tech Support: "Are there letters on your screen?"
- Customer: "Yes."
Aargh.
- Tech Support: "Read them to me."
- Customer: "C-o-p-y-r-i--"
- Tech Support: "Do they form words? Do the words form phrases? Do the phrases form sentences?"
- Customer: "I suppose."
- Customer: "I'll have you know, I've never even seen a computer before yesterday."
Great. Great start to a call. He wanted to install the Internet connection software we have, so I had him insert the CD. "It ain't workin'!" was all I heard for about two minutes of trying the drive and checking to see if it was really there.
- Tech Support: "Sir, could you eject your CD for a moment? We need to check if it's scratched."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Look on the bottom of the CD, and see if there are any scratches on it."
- Customer: "On the bottom? Shouldn't we check the top?"
- Tech Support: "Is the shiny side of the CD on the top?"
- Customer: "Of course."
- Tech Support: "Ok, could you flip it over so the shiny side is down and then insert it into the drive?"
- Customer: "Won't it scratch if I put it in like that?"
- Tech Support: "No, it won't scratch."
- Customer: "Well, ok...."
He inserted the CD in the drive correctly, and then his computer froze.
- Customer: "My computer froze! I told you it would scratch the CD!"
- Tech Support: "I'm sure that's not the problem--"
- Customer: "I can't believe you scratched the CD."
- Tech Support: "Ok, sir, could you hold down 'ctrl' and 'alt', and then-- (clunking sounds) Hello? Hello, sir?"
There was no one on the line for a moment. Then he spoke up again.
- Customer: "I've been holding 'ctrl' and 'alt' for the past two minutes, and nothing is happening at all on my whole damn computer, because you made me scratch the software."
- Customer: "My program doesn't work."
- Tech Support: "Which program are you using?"
- Customer: "The one I use to get my work done."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, we support many different programs, what's the name of the program you use?"
- Customer: "I don't know; it's the one that comes up when I start my computer."
- Tech Support: "Can you tell me what you see on the screen after you start your computer?"
- Customer: "No, I can't get the program to come up so I can't tell you what's on the screen."
- Tech Support: "Is your computer on?"
- Customer: "Of course it's on! I know how to turn on my computer!"
- Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you have? Is it a PC, a Macintosh, an Xterminal, or a VT420?"
- Customer: "I don't know. You're the help desk -- you're supposed to know that."
- Tech Support: "Uh. Have you tried rebooting your machine?"
- Customer: (angrily) "I just told you I can't get the program to run. What kind of help desk is this? I don't think you're very helpful, and I'll have you know that I personally know one of the programmers, and I'm going to call her since I know she'll be able to help me!"
This woman calls in, having a problem with her video card. Her initial rundown on the situation seems like she would know what she was talking about. But no.
- Customer: "So when I go to boot my computer, it just does nothing."
- Tech Support: "It just does nothing? So, when you turn on your computer you just get a blank screen?"
- Customer: "Oh no, It comes up and counts my memory, detects hard drives, etc."
- Tech Support: "Ok, then what happens?"
- Customer: "It doesn't do nothing."
- Tech Support: "It doesn't do nothing? I am not sure I understand. Does it lock up at this point?"
- Customer: "Oh no, after that I get the screen with the clouds that says 'Windows' on it."
- Tech Support: "Ok, so you turn it on, it starts to boot up, then it goes to the splash screen with the clouds, and this is where you are having problems? What happens here?"
- Customer: "It doesn't do nothing."
- Tech Support: "Ok, so can you even get in to Windows? Will the system boot to your desktop?"
- Customer: "Oh yes."
- Tech Support: "All right, so, you turn on your system, it counts your RAM, detects your drives, loads the splash screen, boots into Windows, and then what?"
- Customer: "Nothing."
- Tech Support: "So what is the problem?"
- Customer: "The computer doesn't do nothing."
- Tech Support: "Ok, I need you to be a little more specific here because that so far, this is quite normal."
- Customer: "Oh yeah, all that stuff is normal."
- Tech Support: "So again, what is the problem anyway?"
- Customer: "My desktop is all washed out looking."
I sent a JPEG from my recent vacation to my mother as an email attachment. I then telephoned her to see if she was able to view it. After attempting to get her to use the 'File/Open' command in Netscape, I realized that my 'Open' dialog was different from hers, and so I couldn't talk her through it. But I tried to determine which OS she was running.
- Me: "Do you know what operating system you're running? Is it Windows 95 or Windows 3.1?"
- My Mother: "I don't know, but it must be Windows 95."
- Me: "Ok, do you see a 'My Computer' icon on your screen?"
- My Mother: "'My Computer'? What's that?"
- Me: "It's a picture of a computer with the words 'My Computer' underneath it."
- My Mother: "I don't have that."
- Me: "It would be on the desktop."
- My Mother: (getting irate) "I don't know what you're talking about."
- Me: "Mom, tell me what you see when you turn your computer on."
- My Mother: "Nothing."
- Me: "You don't see anything? No words appear on the screen? Nothing? Well, what do you see on your screen right now?"
- My Mother: "I don't see anything."
- Me: (getting frustrated) "You're staring at a black screen? There's nothing there at all?"
- My Mother: "I'm not technical. I don't know these things."
- Me: "I just want you to describe what you see."
- My Mother: "I don't see anything. I just get on here and clickity-click."
- Me: "I gotta go, Mom."
We have one customer who is notorious in the tech support department. We all dread getting a call from her. She is truly stupid when it comes to a computer.
- Tech Support: "Ok, you are in C:\WINDOWS. We need to get to the A: drive. So type 'A' colon and press enter."
- Customer: "'A'? What's an 'A'?"
- Tech Support: "It's the first letter of the alphabet. 'A' like apple."
- Customer: "Ummm...what's an 'A'? I don't know what it is."
- Tech Support: "Grade school, remember? The letter 'A'?"
- Customer: "Oh, ok. Where is that?"
- Tech Support: "Left side of the keyboard. Next to the 'S'."
- Customer: "Ok...I think I found it. What do I do?"
- Tech Support: "Press it. See what happens."
- Customer: "Ok, I've got an 'A' now."
- Tech Support: "Now press the colon. It's next to the 'L' key."
- Customer: "How do I get it?"
- Tech Support: "Hold down the 'shift' key."
- Customer: "How to you spell that?"
- Tech Support: "S-H-I-F-T. You have two of them. Near the space bar. Hold that down and press the colon."
- Customer: "I can't find the colon."
- Tech Support: "It's to the right of the 'L'."
- Customer: "How do I get it?"
- Tech Support: "Hold the shift key and press the colon key."
- Customer: "Oh, ok...I think I've got it."
- Tech Support: "Good, now hit 'enter'."
- Customer: "Where's that?"
This whole conversation of two commands took almost an hour. I have no idea how this lady ever made enough money to buy a computer. It amazes me how someone can forget the alphabet. She's nice, but she's amazingly dumb.
A customer wanted to set up his computer to download something from the Internet. So I spent a nice chunk of time walking him through downloading Netscape and the Plugin Pack and rebooting.
- Customer: "So are we done yet?"
- Tech Support: "Not yet."
I spent still more time configuring TCP/IP for the LAN for him.
- Customer: "So are we done yet?"
- Tech Support: "Not yet."
I spent still more time with him configuring access through the firewall and setting his preferences. Netscape started fine at this point.
- Customer: "So are we done yet?"
- Tech Support: "Yes. Try accessing the site now."
- Customer: "How do I do that?"
I spent still more time with him explaining how to enter a URL.
- Customer: "It's not working!"
- Tech Support: "Where are you trying to go?"
He gave me the address. I tried nslookup and whois on it, but they came up empty.
- Tech Support: "I'm sorry, that site doesn't exist. Are you sure you wrote it down correctly?"
- Customer: "Well! All this was a waste of time! We've accomplished nothing!" (click)
A customer called complaining that his display wasn't working. (It turned out to be that his monitor was out of sync.)
- Customer: "I installed the video drivers and all I see is a postage stamp in the center of the screen."
- Tech Support: "Can you describe what you see?"
- Customer: "I just told you, a postage stamp!!"
- Tech Support: "Does it look like your desktop?"
- Customer: "Nope. Aren't you listening?? It looks like a postage stamp."
- Tech Support: "Ok,let's reset the system back to VGA."
- Customer: "What's that??"
- Tech Support: "The default video settings...please hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete."
- Customer: "What is that???"
- Tech Support: "The three keys. 'Control' and 'Alt' and 'Delete' pressed at the same time."
- Customer: "Oh, ok. Oh no!! My screen went blank!"
- Tech Support: "That's ok. When you see OS/2 in the upper left hit 'Alt' and 'F1'."
- Customer: "'Alt'? 'F1'? Can you speak English?"
- Tech Support: "Sir, these are keys on your keyboard."
- Customer: "Oh."
- Tech Support: (waits a minute for the system to finish booting) "Do you see the OS/2 logo yet?"
- Customer: "Nope."
- Tech Support: (waits another minute or two) "Anything yet?"
- Customer: "Nope. Can I release the keys?"
Twenty minutes later I found out he had a monitor that was only capable of VGA, and then I spent another ten minutes trying to explain why he needed a better monitor to display higher resolutions.
- Tech Support: "Double click on 'My Computer', then on the 'Dial-up Networking' folder."
- Customer: "Where is it?"
- Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
- Customer: "Where is 'My Computer'?"
- Tech Support: "In the upper left corner of your screen."
- Customer: "Oh! Hey! That's pretty good!!"
Twenty five minutes later....
- Tech Support: "Ok, now go to 'Options' and then 'Mail and News Preferences'."
- Customer: "Got it."
- Tech Support: "Now click on the tab that says 'Servers'."
- Customer: "I don't see it."
- Tech Support: "What do you see on your screen?"
- Customer: "Oh! There it is. I was looking on the keyboard."
- Tech Support: "Ok, now read to me what's in the SMTP field."
- Customer: "There's nothing there."
- Tech Support: "Now we know why you can't get your mail. Type in 'mailhost.worldnet.att.net'."
- Customer: "M-A-L-E-H-O-S-T..."
- Tech Support: "No sir. It's spelled M-A-I-L-H-O-S-T."
- Customer: "Ok...where's the dot?"
I wanted to cry.
- Husband: "Hi. I'm having a problem connecting to the Internet."
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, what operating system are you using?"
- Husband: "Oh...I'm really not sure...I'm not the computer expert. My wife is. She's sitting at the computer. I'm going to dictate this to her." (pause) "She says we use Windows 95."
- Tech Support: "Ok. What exactly is the problem?"
- Husband: "I can't connect."
- Wife: (in the background) "We can't even get on -- the software is buggy!"
- Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you try to connect?"
- Husband: "Ok, the Connect To: screen pops up, and it asks for my password."
- Tech Support: "Did you put your password in?"
- Husband: "Yes, and it keeps asking for it afterwards."
- Tech Support: "Do you have your caps lock key on?"
- Husband: "Yes, but that shouldn't make any difference."
- Tech Support: "Uhm...go ahead and hit the caps lock key until the light goes away."
- Husband: "Are you sure? We've always got on with the caps lock key on."
- Tech Support: "Yes, I'm sure."
- Husband: "Oh, ok. It took my password."
- Wife: (in the background) "I told you!" (They start arguing. She takes the phone from him.) "HELLO?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, hello, you should be all set from here."
- Wife: "YES HI, I'VE BEEN USING YOUR DAMN SOFTWARE FOR I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG, AND I STILL CAN'T GET EMAIL FROM MY SON IN THE NAVY!"
- Tech Support: "What program do you use for email, ma'am?"
- Wife: "I use Windows 95! We already told you that!"
- Husband: (in the background) "We already told her that, didn't we?"
- Tech Support: "No, what mail application...such as Eudora, Netscape, Internet Explorer..."
- Wife: "Microsoft Netscape."
- Tech Support: "Netscape?"
- Wife: "Yes, Microsoft Netscape."
- Tech Support: "Ok, open that up and go to Options, and then Mail and News Preferences--"
- Wife: "No, I want email! I don't want to surf the net!"
- Tech Support: "Netscape comes with an email program, and we're going to set it up now."
- Wife: "Ugh. Fine. Whatever. We'll do it YOUR way."
- Tech Support: "Ok." (explains how to set up popmail)
- Wife: "I'm not getting mail."
- Tech Support: "Do you have two phone lines?"
Suddenly I hear the modem attempting to dial in.
- Tech Support: (over the roar of the modem) "MA'AM? YOU ONLY HAVE ONE PHONE LINE. DON'T TRY TO DIAL IN."
(beep click click)
- Tech Support: "You can't dial up with this line. It's already in use."
- Wife: "I was always able to use it before YOU changed my settings!"
- Tech Support: "No, you will just have to disconn--"
- Wife: "You tech support people always mess up my settings, and then I have to bring my computer back to [retailer] to get it fixed! You know, you cost me so much money!"
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, I didn't change any of your Internet settings."
- Wife: "Yes you did, we just went through a NUMBER of things."
- Tech Support: "All we did was--"
- Wife: "I've had ENOUGH of your service. I'm going back to AOL." (click)
I got a call from an older lady who stated that after installing our software, her mouse would not work. After further questioning, I learned that she got a message when booting the system that a device was not found. I had her power off the PC, disconnect, and then reconnect the mouse. After rebooting, the mouse functioned fine. But instead of thanking me, she asked me sourly, "Why did your software unplug my mouse?" I attempted to explain to the lady that that was not possible and that all it waswas a loose connection. It wasn't good enough for her. She put her husband on, who asked, "Why did your software decide my computer didn't need a mouse?" Again, trying to explain the loose connection was of little use, and he wanted another number to call to return the software.
- Tech Support: "So the mouse won't move?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Does the numlock or capslock work?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Ok, you'll need to hit the reset button."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Is the system booting back up yet?"
- Customer: "Ummm..." (pause)
- Tech Support: "Is it rebooting?"
- Customer: "I see a return button. Is that the one you want?"
- Tech Support: "No, the reset button. It's on the front of the computer. You're looking at the keyboard."
- Customer: "Oh, umm...there's just one button, and it says 'power'."
- Tech Support: "That's the monitor. The computer is that box that all those things plug into."
- Customer: "Umm...ohh! I see it now -- how silly of me. Ok, I pressed it."
- Tech Support: "Is the system rebooting now?"
- Customer: "No, it's still locked up."
- Tech Support: "You're sure you pressed the button marked 'reset'?"
- Customer: "Yes, it's right here next to the one labeled 'Form Feed'."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, that's the printer."
- Customer: "Maybe you just need to come here and fix it."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you use any floppy disks?"
- Customer: "Yes, I save all my letters on them."
- Tech Support: "The computer is the thing you stick the disks into."
- Customer: "OHHH!!!! It's under the desk...hang on. Well! Look at that; there's a reset button. I pressed it, now my computer is acting like I just turned it on."
- Tech Support: "Ok, good."
- Customer: "Wait, what's this button that says 'Turbo'?"
- Tech Support: "That's there so you can slow the system down to run older software and games."
- Customer: "Is that why my system is so slow?"
- Tech Support: "Is the yellow light on?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Press that button."
- Customer: "WOW!!!"
- Tech Support: "What?"
- Customer: "My report didn't freeze up this time."
That turned out to be the cause of her system locking up. It wasn't really locking up, it was just going so slow it seemed that way, and she never waited long enough for it to finish processing her reports.
- Customer: "When I dial your service, the system asks me some questions and then it kicks me off."
- Tech Support: "What were the questions that it asked you?"
- Customer: "I don't remember."
- Tech Support: "Well, sir, if you don't remember what they were, I don't know what the problem is and I can't help you."
- Customer: "So I need to call you and go through this again after seeing the questions again?"
- Tech Support: "Yes."
- Customer: "Can't I just keep you on while I call?"
- Tech Support: "Is your modem on another line?"
- Customer: "No, same line."
- Tech Support: "Well, sir, you can't do it...it's like someone picking up the phone now and dialing while we are talking."
- Customer: "Can I at least try?"
- Customer: "My Internet doesn't work!"
- Tech Support: "Ok, do you have an icon for Internet on your desktop?"
- Customer: "An icon? Desktop??"
- Tech Support: "Are you using Windows 95?"
- Customer: "Don't know. You said Windows??? By the way, how do you type a capital 'e' instead of a lower case 'e'?"
- Tech Support: (crying) "Hold 'shift' while pressing 'e'."
- Customer: "What is 'shift'??"
- Customer: "My modem is not working."
- Tech Support: "Ok. Let's start simply. Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?"
- Customer: "I have no dial tone when I pick up the phone."
- Tech Support: "Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?"
- Customer: "I bought this new computer, it's got (reads from store receipt) and 32 megs of RAM. But it won't work."
- Tech Support: "Ok. Tell me how you have it set up right now."
- Customer: "Well, I have it setting next to the phone, and the phone line is hooked into it."
- Tech Support: "Is anything running into the wall?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "So you have the computer sitting next to the phone, the phone line running into the computer, and that's it?"
- Customer: "Yes. Am I supposed to plug the computer in?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, it needs to be plugged in so the modem can dial."
- Customer: "What's a modem?"
My boss sent an update of our current program via modem to all of our online customers, with instructions to call in and be walked through the upgrade if they needed it. He had to leave the office for a few hours, so he gave me instructions on how to start the upgrade once they had downloaded it.
I got a call while he was away. Details you should know: the lady who called me for instructions was not the person who was operating the computer. That person was on the other side of the room, and everything had to be relayed through the lady on the phone. For reasons of brevity, I won't bother typing out every sentence being repeated several times back and forth.
- Customer: "We got your program, along with a note that we were supposed to call...?"
- Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you with that. Type [the command] and press Return."
- Customer: "It says that file doesn't exist."
- Tech Support: "Huh? Ok...are you in the [directory] directory?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Hmmm. Let's try this again, just to be sure."
I spelled out the command exactly and got her to read it back to me before she hit Return. But she got the same error.
- Tech Support: "All right, let's make sure the program is installed in the right directory. Could you take a look in the directory tree and let me know what you find in--"
- Customer: "Tree? TREE?? There's no trees anywhere near my computer! Whaddaya mean a tree might have caused the problem???"
Needless to say, that took a while to straighten out. Anyway, it turned out the upgrade wasn't in the directory at all.
- Tech Support: "Did you receive the program OK? No error messages or anything popped up during the transmission?"
- Customer: "Oh no, everything went fine. I've got it right here in my hand."
Sigh. Someone had transferred the download to disk in order to install it on a second computer, handed it to her, and told her to call us. Apparently it never occurred to her to get the program on the computer somehow before calling.
- Tech Support: "What do you have connected to the back of your computer?"
- Customer: "I have a printer, a modem and the System 7 module."
- Tech Support: "Excuse me, but could you repeat the last item?"
- Customer: "The System 7 module."
- Tech Support: "The System 7 what?"
- Customer: "It's the module to upgrade the system to 7.5."
- Tech Support: "...and it plugs into the back of your computer?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Does this 'module' plug into anything else?"
- Customer: "It plugs into the wall outlet."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, that's the power cord."
- Customer: "No, I can see the power cord, and this module is plugged in right next to it."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, there is no such thing as a System 7 module."
- Customer: "Oh my goodness, I'm sorry, I forgot. It's the power supply to the HyperCard."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, HyperCard does not have a separate power supply. Would you mind following the cord from the outlet until you find what it plugs into?"
- Customer: "Ok."
- Customer: "It hooks into the printer."
This call took more than 45 minutes, in case you wanted to know why there are hold times on support numbers.
- Customer: "I haven't had sound for about a month."
- Tech Support: "What kind of speakers do you have?"
- Customer: "They are stereo."
- Tech Support: "Ok, do they plug into the wall?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "So they are the little boxes that don't attach to the monitor?"
- Customer: [angrily] "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Ok, let's see if maybe the speakers are the problem. Do you have a music CD?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Would you go get it?"
- Customer: "Sure." [clunk clunk clunk] "Do you want one that came with the computer?"
- Tech Support: "No, I need a music CD."
- Customer: "I think 'The Animals' has music."
- Tech Support: "Ok, maybe I am being unclear, I need a regular CD not a cdrom -- one you buy at a music store."
- Customer: "I have a Garth Brooks CD, but I bought it at a swap meet."
- Tech Support: "That's great; that CD will work."
- Customer: "I go to swap meets all the time to get great deals on stuff. We don't ever go to the music stores."
- Tech Support: "Ok, let's check the volume."
- Customer: "I already checked the damn volume when it stopped making sound a month ago!"
- Tech Support: "I understand. Let's just double check it real quick."
- Customer: "I'll just turn it all the way up.... Nope, can't hear a damn thing."
- Tech Support: "It looks like you are ok there, now let's check those speakers."
- Customer: "Ok, but you might as well replace the whole damn thing right now."
- Tech Support: "I'll be happy to replace anything that needs replacing. I just want to make sure we get everything working for you."
- Customer: "All right."
- Tech Support: "Now those speakers...they are all hooked up? The left connects to the right and then the right connects to the computer?"
- Customer: [obviously without checking] "Yup."
- Tech Support: "Ok. And they are turned off right?"
- Customer: "...Listen to me you little..."
- Customer: "...Of course they are turned on!! Now you--"
- Tech Support: "Whoa, slow down a sec...I want you to turn them to the off position, please."
- Customer: "Heck son, I don't believe it! What was the problem?"
- Tech Support: "The batteries must be dead."
I used to work as a salesman for a computer wholesaler a number of years ago. I got a call from a woman who was fit to be tied. She found out that the person who sold her the computer bought it from our company and called us to complain.
- Customer: "I need help with this computer!"
- Tech Support: "Well what do you need to know?"
- Customer: (screaming) "Well I bought this damn computer from this guy who says he bought it from you and he came to my house and hooked it up. Now while he's explaining to my daughter how to use it, she's telling him 'yeah, yeah,' she knows what he's talking about. I'm in the kitchen cooking peppers and onions while my daughter is going 'yeah, yeah,' then this guy leaves, and I ask my daughter if she knows how to use the computer, and she says she was too embarrassed to tell him she didn't understand and just told him 'yeah, yeah.' Now I paid over $1000 for this thing and I don't even know how to use it!"
- Tech Support: "Uh, well is there anything in particular you want to know how to do?"
I never anticipated her answer.
- Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game."
- Tech Support: "A what!?"
- Customer: "A tennis game with the paddles."
- Tech Support: "What, you mean like pong?"
- Customer: "No, tennis!"
- Tech Support: "You mean with graphics?"
- Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game with the, you know, rackets and the ball."
- Tech Support: (in shock, I start blurting nonsense) "Well, do you know Windows?"
- Customer: "I don't know anything about computers, I was frying sausages in the kitchen..."
She tells me the whole story again.
- Tech Support: "Well, you would need to lean how to program in a computer language like C++ and that takes many years of experience. I'd suggest you first start slowly and learn DOS and Windows."
After that, I spent twenty minutes talking her down from a seething boil to a cool simmer and finally got her off the phone. I imagine this woman aggravated the poor slob who sold her the computer until he caved in and gave her our number. Nice guy.
- Customer: "Look, look!!!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this?? Why is it doing that??"
- Tech Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?"
- Customer: "WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!!! You can see it, can't you?!"
This was my slowest caller ever:
- Tech Support: "Thank you for calling; how may I help you?"
- Customer: "Ummm...it doesn't work."
- Tech Support: "What does not work?"
- Customer: "Ummm...the program doesn't work."
- Tech Support: "Could you please be more specific? Was there an error message?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "And the message was?"
- Customer: "Something about a GPF."
- Tech Support: "Are you in front of the computer now?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Can you get in front of the computer?"
- Customer: "I guess; let me get out of bed."
- Tech Support: "Are you still there?"
- Customer: "Yeah, I have to go downstairs and turn on the computer."
- Tech Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?"
- Customer: "Uhhhh...almost...."
- Tech Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?"
- Customer: "Uhhhh...almost...."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Ok, you are in Windows, can you get into the program for me please?"
- Customer: "How do I do that?"
- Tech Support: "Just the way you normally do."
- Customer: "I don't remember. It's late, and I'm tired. Step me through it."
- Tech Support: "Double click on the icon for the program please."
- Customer: "Where is that?"
- Tech Support: "Ok, can you duplicate the problem for me?"
- Customer: "Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm.........no."
- Tech Support: "Why not?"
- Customer: "I don't remember where it happened."
- Tech Support: "I'm afraid I really won't able to help unless I know the error message and where it occured. You will need to recreate the message and call us back with that information."
- Customer: "But I waited so long to talk to you, you people really need to be faster if you expect people to use your service. It takes too long to talk to you. You will lose customers unless you speed it up."
- Tech Support: "Thanks for calling, bye-bye."
- Customer: "It was working last night, but it's not working any longer. And I haven't changed anything."
- Tech Support: "You sure you haven't changed anything? Nobody's gone near the machine?"
- Customer: "Yeah, yeah, nobody touched it."
- Tech Support: "What's not working?"
- Customer: "I can't get into my POP account."
- Tech Support: "Oh. All right. Do you have the letter we sent you with your POP account details?"
- Customer: "Yeah, uh, it's...around here somewhere." [scrabbling sounds]
- Tech Support: "Ok, let's forget the POP account for a moment. Can you tell me exactly what happened?"
- Customer: "Well, I moved everything onto my new machine this morning, and it's not working."
- Tech Support: "I thought you said that you didn't change anything???"
- Customer: "But I didn't!"
- Tech Support: "Ok, type 'cd windows.'"
- Customer: "Right."
- Tech Support: "What does it say?"
- Customer: "It says 'see colon slash greater-than see dee windows.'"
- Tech Support: [sigh] "Press return."
- Customer: "Ok, it says 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than.'"
- Tech Support: "Right, do a dir."
- Customer: "Uh...how?"
- Tech Support: "Type 'dir'."
- Customer: "It says 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than dir.'"
- Tech Support: [adding teethmarks to the phone] "Press return!"
- Customer: "Ok, it says lots of different things, and then, 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than.' Oh, and there's always a flashy line after the greater-than; did I mention that?"
A user calls from Chicago. (We are in central Illinois.) She wants to register for classes via our online registration system. In the course of the discussion I discover that:
- She is definitely "Not A Computer Person" (tm).
- She is at her friend's house, but her friend is not there.
- Her friend has a computer, but she doesn't know what kind.
- She has never turned it on.
- She thinks it has a modem, but she is not sure.
- She has never logged on to any of her university accounts.
- She has never used any terminal software and doesn't know what type her friend has.
I once received a call from a woman with a heavy, throaty, not-real-educated-or-bright voice from New York. She asked if the...
- Customer: "...new tape, ya know, the plasticky thingie I got in the mail...does that work even if I don't put it in my compoota??"
- Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the software does not work unless it is installed on to your hard drive."
- Customer: "But this isn't soft...this is a small hard plastic square..."
- Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, that's called software, and you need to insert it into the disk drive to use it."
- Customer: "Look, lady, I'm not stupid -- this isn't soft -- and I don't appreciate you making fun of me." [click]
- Tech Support: "Now, do you see the words '[etc etc etc]'."
- Customer: "Um, no."
- Tech Support: "Scroll down, there should be the words '[etc etc etc]' enclosed in brackets."
- Customer: "They're not here."
- Tech Support: [loading up the same file in EDIT on my machine] "Ok, starting from the top, you'll see '[this]', '[that]', and '[the other]'. The next section will have '[etc etc etc]' in brackets."
- Customer: "Oh, you mean '[etc etc etc]'!"
- Tech Support: "Yes. Now, under that is a blank line."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Now, move the cursor to that blank line."
- Customer: "I don't understand what you mean."
- Tech Support: [getting frustrated and barely keeping calm] "Now, right below the words '[etc etc etc]' is a blank line."
- Customer: "Oh! You mean the line that doesn't have anything on it!"
- Tech Support: "YES!"
- Tech Support: "Sir, open up your System Folder and find the Launcher Items folder."
- Customer: "I don't have a Systems Folder."
- Tech Support: "It's in your hard disk, sir. You must have one, or else your computer wouldn't start properly."
- Customer: "Hard disk, hard disk...hmmm -- is that little rectangle in the top right?"
- Tech Support: "Yes."
- Customer: "Ok, but mine doesn't say 'Hard Disk.' It's just labeled with a period. How did that happen?"
- Tech Support: "Well, you can name it anything you want, perhaps yours was named accidentally."
- Customer: "Oh. What now?"
- Tech Support: "Open your System Folder."
- Customer: "I don't have a systems folder. Oh, oh, here it is! Ok, ok, I'm opening the Systems Envelope now."
Ten minutes later he called me back and told me how he had written down my directions to the "Systems Envelope" so he could put more programs on his Launcher. One of the programs didn't work, however, and after another 45 minutes of sheer hell, I told him we needed to send him some new floppies.
- Customer: "Hey, can you send me a dozen apples too? My wife would like to make a pie. Ha ha! Apples. Get it? Macintoshes? Ha ha. Don't you get it?"
- Tech Support: "Yes sir, I do."
- Customer: "I get garbage when I log onto IndyNet."
- Tech Support: "Ok, what software are you using?"
- Customer: "Internet."
- Tech Support: "Yes, I know you're connecting to the Internet, but what software do you use to make the connection?"
- Customer: "Oh! Windows."
- Tech Support: "Yes, but what software inside of Windows do you use?"
- Customer: "Oh! Ok, yes, I have an Acer 486-66D...."
- Tech Support: "No! The software! Do you know what software is?"
- Customer: "Uh, kind of."
- Tech Support: "Ok. Software is the program that you run in order to make the computer do anything, ok?"
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "So what program do you run to call us?"
- Customer: "ATDTxxxxxxx."
- Tech Support: "Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
- Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
- Tech Support: "What sort of trouble?"
- Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
- Tech Support: "Went away?"
- Customer: "They disappeared."
- Tech Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
- Customer: "Nothing."
- Tech Support: "Nothing?"
- Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
- Tech Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
- Customer: "How do I tell?"
- Tech Support: "Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?"
- Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
- Tech Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
- Customer: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
- Tech Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
- Customer: "What's a monitor?"
- Tech Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
- Customer: "I don't know."
- Tech Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
- Customer: [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
- Tech Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
- Customer: "Yes, it is."
- Tech Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
- Customer: [muffled] "Ok, here it is."
- Tech Support: "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
- Customer: [still muffled] "I can't reach."
- Tech Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
- Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark in here."
- Tech Support: "Dark?"
- Customer: "Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
- Tech Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
- Customer: "I can't."
- Tech Support: "No? Why not?"
- Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
- Tech Support: "A p-!" [AARGH!]
This woman was good friends with my supervisor. She's now also my wife.
[Editor's Note: This story is true but heavily circulated with a fictitious ending: see http://www.snopes.com/humor
- Tech Support: "Ok, now type 'C D space backslash'."
- Customer: "Um, can you repeat that?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, 'C D space backslash'."
- Customer: "'C P'?"
- Tech Support: "No, 'C D'."
- Customer: "Ok, 'C D slash backspace'."
- Tech Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
- Customer: "'C D slash space backspace'."
- Tech Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
- Customer: "'C D slash backspace'."
- Tech Support: "'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
- Customer: "'C D space backslash'."
In my previous job, we often had to contact clients in Pacific Island nations where office technology seems to be even more feared than usual. A relaxed attitude to time adds to the battle. One day I had to send a fax to a number in the Cook Islands. I called.
- Me: "Hi, I'm trying to send a fax."
- Person #1: "Hello."
- Me: "Hello. Is this your fax number? I'm trying to send a fax to you."
- Person #1: "Hello."
It became apparent that "Hello" comprises the majority of this person's English.
- Me: "Is Mr. [name] there? Could you get him, please?"
- Person #1: "Mr. [name]. OK."
He wandered off. Shouting and a leisurely background conversation followed. Five minutes later a different person came to the phone.
- Person #2: "Hello."
- Me: (resisting the urge to scream) "Hello, I'm calling from overseas, and I'm trying to send a fax. Could you please press your fax button?"
- Person #2: "I thought you wanted Mr. [name]. He's not here."
- Me: "Well, no, it doesn't matter who I talk to. Can you just press the fax button so I can get this fax through to you?"
- Person #2: "I don't know how all this works. I can leave a message for Mr. [name] if you like."
- Me: "No, you just need to press that big button on the fax machine. Can you do that now, please?"
- Person #2: "Wait, [another name] is here. She might know." (wanders off for another ten minutes; much background conversation) "She says the fax machine is turned off."
- Me: "Well, can you turn it on please? Or should I try again later?"
- Person #2: "I think we haven't got enough power for the fax machine right now. I'll have to start up the generator."
- Me: "No, no, I'll try again tomorrow. You don't need to--"
- Person #2: "It's around the back of the building. I'll be right back." (wanders off)
I was just about to hang up when someone picked up the phone.
- Person #1: "Hello. Hello. Hello."
I hung up.
- Tech Support: "Now we need to check the communications driver. In Program Manager, click on File and select Run. "
- Customer: "I don't have anything that says 'Run.'"
- Tech Support: "What do you have at the very top of the Window?"
- Customer: "Program Manager."
- Tech Support: "Good. And what is right beneath that?"
- Customer: "Main, Accessories, Applications--"
- Tech Support: "No, no. What do you see between the bar where it says 'Program Manager' and those boxes?"
- Customer: "Nothing."
- Tech Support: "Ok, do you see that white bar underneath the Program Manager bar?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Good. What's on the far left of that bar?"
- Customer: "It says 'File.'"
- Tech Support: "All right, click on File and select Run."
- Customer: "It's asking me if I want to exit Windows. Do I click on OK?"
- Tech Support: "Click on Cancel. Now, click of File and then click on Run."
- Customer: "It brought up a box with 'Program Item' and 'Program Group' in it. Which one do you want?"
- Tech Support: "Click on Cancel. Click on File and hit 'R' on the keyboard."
- Customer: "There's no 'R' in the list."
- Tech Support: "On the keyboard there should be an 'R' key."
- Customer: "Oh, yes."
- Tech Support: "Press it."
- Customer: "Now it's asking for a 'Command Line.'"
- Tech Support: "Good. Type 'sysedit', s-y-s-e-d-i-t, and hit Enter."
- Customer: "I don't see Enter. Do you want me to click on 'OK'?"
- Tech Support: "That'll work."
- Customer: "It says it couldn't find the file."
- Tech Support: "Let's try it again: S...Y...S...E...D...I...T."
- Customer: "S...Y...F...E...C...I...V."
- Tech Support: "No, no. Sysedit. As in system editor."
- Customer: "S...Y...S...T...E...M..."
- Tech Support: "No. Just sysedit. S...Y...S...E...D...I...T."
- Customer: "Ok, that brought up a window with four windows inside it."
- Tech Support: "Good. Bring up the system.ini window."
- Customer: "How do I do that?"
- Tech Support: "Close the first window, the autoexec.bat."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Now close the config.sys window."
- Customer: "I can't. I guess I closed the wrong window. The only window I have now is Program Manager."
- Tech Support: "Ok, click on Search and select Find."
- Customer: "I don't see Search."
- Tech Support: "What does the line read?"
- Customer: "'comm.drv=rhodsi.drv'"
- Tech Support: "Now exit out of Windows and restart."
- Customer: "Windows won't start. It says something about a device driver."
- Tech Support: "Type 'copy system.syd system.ini' and hit Enter."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Type 'win' and hit Enter."
- Customer: "It's starting."
- Tech Support: "You should be set then."
New HR Rules
Dear All,
Following Rules shall be adhered to With Immediate Effect.
Pls Co -Operate...
Following Rules shall be adhered to With Immediate Effect.
Pls Co -Operate...
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken
..
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy !
You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. - The Management.
Office Memo
OFFICE MEMO:
Please note that at this New year's party there will be only one drink per person, please bring your own cup.
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Women's Life Cycle
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
Revenge On Tele Marketers !
Do you hate getting phone calls from telemarketers as much as I do?
Well, here are some ways to get your revenge!
Well, here are some ways to get your revenge!
1. If Airtel calls trying to get you to
sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as SINISTER of a voice as you can,
"But I don't have any friends...
Would you be my friend?"
2. After the telemarketer finishes speaking,
ask him/her to marry you.
3. Tell the telemarketer
you are busy at the moment,
and ask him/her
if he/she will give you his/her
home phone number
so you can call him/her back.
4. Ask them to repeat everything they say,
several times.
5. Tell them it is dinner time,
BUT ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone
while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and
continue with your dinner conversation.
6. Tell them that all business goes
through your agent,
and hand the phone to
your five year old child.
7. Tell them you are hard of hearing
and that they need to speak up
...louder...louder...louder!
8. Tell them to speak very slowly because
you want to write every word down.
9. If they start out with, "How are you today?",
say "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care,
and I have all these problems..."
10. Catch them off guard by
saying in a husky voice,
"What are you wearing?"
11. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you?
I've been hoping you'd call!
How is the family?"
When they insist they are not Helen,
tell them to stop joking.
This works especially well
if the telemarketer is really male
sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as SINISTER of a voice as you can,
"But I don't have any friends...
Would you be my friend?"
2. After the telemarketer finishes speaking,
ask him/her to marry you.
3. Tell the telemarketer
you are busy at the moment,
and ask him/her
if he/she will give you his/her
home phone number
so you can call him/her back.
4. Ask them to repeat everything they say,
several times.
5. Tell them it is dinner time,
BUT ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone
while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and
continue with your dinner conversation.
6. Tell them that all business goes
through your agent,
and hand the phone to
your five year old child.
7. Tell them you are hard of hearing
and that they need to speak up
...louder...louder...louder!
8. Tell them to speak very slowly because
you want to write every word down.
9. If they start out with, "How are you today?",
say "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care,
and I have all these problems..."
10. Catch them off guard by
saying in a husky voice,
"What are you wearing?"
11. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you?
I've been hoping you'd call!
How is the family?"
When they insist they are not Helen,
tell them to stop joking.
This works especially well
if the telemarketer is really male
English Around The World !
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red
beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courageous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on
our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by the
latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has
been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on
your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to
right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them
in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Men Are Men!
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps
table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet
$20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and
squealed… "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally,
one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other
answered, "I don't know - I thought you were
watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to
watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE!
The Most Powerful Word
Well, SHIT...
Shit may just be the most
powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced,
shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.
With a little effort,
you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit
while others can't tell the
difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
and sweet shits.
There is bull shit,
chicken shit.
and horse shit
You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit
or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times
when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you swim in a lake
of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your
shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Have A Fun Day
You could pass this along if you give a shit...; )
Some Funny Definations on Relationship
R ELATIONSHIPS | | |
| ( INDIA vs OVERSEAS) | | |
| | | |
| Relation | In India | Outside India |
| Mother-in-law | A woman capable of making your life miserable. | A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free? |
| Husband | A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings. | Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed. |
| Friend | A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome. | A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy. |
| Wife | A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower. | A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath. |
| Son | A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market. | A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn. |
| Daughter | A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage. | A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage. |
| Father | A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed . | A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition. |
| Indian Engineer | A person with a respectable job and earning lots. | A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich. |
| Doctor | A respectable person with OK income. | A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called "doctor's wife". |
| Bhangra | A vigorous Punjabi festival dance. | A dance you do, when you don't know how to dance. |
| Software Engineer | A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line. | The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or wherever)'every year. |
| A Green Card holder bachelor | the guy can't speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there. | the guy can't speak proper English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan , dreams of owning a BMW |
Internet is like Penis
* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it ...hard to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit ...information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some ...people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but ...most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it ...will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people ...take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. ...Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing ...with until it's too late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it ...too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think ...coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual ...size and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big ...trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your ...intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask ...yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
* Some folks have it, some don't.
* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. ...They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. ...They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think ...it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. ...Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some ...people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to ...do.
Penis wants a raise
| I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 1. I do physical labour 2. I work in great depths 3. I have to go in head first 4. I do not get days off, weekends or public holidays 5. I work in a damp environment 6. I work in high temperatures 7. My work exposes me to contagious diseases |
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for a raise
based on the following criteria:
based on the following criteria:
1. You never work 8 hours straight
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4. You do not stay in your workstation area, often you visit
other areas
5. You take many non-scheduled breaks
6. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order for you to begin your work
7. You leave your workstation messy after your shift
8. You don't always observe OSHA measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
9. You don't wait till pension before retiring
10. You don't like to work double shifts
11. You have been observed entering and leaving the work place
carrying two suspicious bags
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4. You do not stay in your workstation area, often you visit
other areas
5. You take many non-scheduled breaks
6. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order for you to begin your work
7. You leave your workstation messy after your shift
8. You don't always observe OSHA measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
9. You don't wait till pension before retiring
10. You don't like to work double shifts
11. You have been observed entering and leaving the work place
carrying two suspicious bags
What Kind Of Sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
Whooz da Boss!!
My Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....
who gives a sh * t
Indian cricket team at the international airport! EXCLUSIVE PIX!
If by any chance you think, you are seeing a few dogs in the above picture…then there is something seriously wrong.
Please DON'T take this lightly. YOU HAVE TO Send this post to 17 people within the next 17 minutes.
If you fail to do this,Boss, don't blame me… It is believed that SOMALIA is all geared up to participate in the forthcoming 2011 Cricket World Cup, to be hosted in India. And India will again (as always) loose the Cup to the malnourished cricket team of Somalia.
FORWARD THIS POST TO AT LEAST 17 PEOPLE AND YOU WILL SEE A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN THE PERFORMANCE OF OUR CRICKET TEAM
0-4 people : Dravid will be the Captain
5-9 people: You will see Sachin's duck
9-14 people: India Beats Bangladesh AGAIN! (will be the headlines)
>15 people and above: India will beat Somalia by 3 runs
>50 SACHIN, DRAVID, Ganguly, Yuvi and Dhony will retire
So what are you waiting for ?? Start forwarding now..!!
Friday, April 27, 2007
100 Niggers Jokes
Why do niggers carry shit in their wallet? Identification
Why do niggers wear wide brimmed hats? So birds won't shit on their lips
How do you stop black kids from jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling
Why do niggers smell so bad? So blind people can hate them too
Why does Stevie Wonder smile all the time? He doesn't know he's black
Why can't Stevie Wonder read? He's black
How do you get a nigger down from a tree Cut the rope
How do you stop a nigger from hanging around in your front yard? Hang him in the back
What do you do when you see a nigger with one leg? Stop laughing and re-load
How many niggers does it take to pave a road? Depends on how you slice them
What's green and pink and purple and orange? A nigger dressed for church
What's the difference between a deer in the road and a nigger in the road? The deer has skid marks in front of it
What is wrong with 4 niggers going over a cliff in a cadilac? It seats 5
What do you say when you see your t.v. floating around at night? Drop it nigger
Why are niggers so strong? T.V.'s are getting heavier
Why are niggers so fast? All slow ones are in jail
What do you call a nigger having sex? Rape
What happened to the nigger that had an abortion? Crime stoppers sent her a check for 500 dollars
What are 3 things you can't give a nigger? A black eye, a fat lip, and a job
How do you stop a nigger from drowning? Take your foot off his head
What is the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go out at night without robin
What's the definition of mass confusion? Father's Day in Harlem
Why shouldn't you hit a nigger riding a bike? Because the bike is probably yours
Why do white people go to black people's garage sales? To get their stuff back
What do black kids get for Christmas? Your bike
What is long and hard on a nigger? First Grade
Why do Black People lean to the middle when they drive? They think the smells comin' from the outside
Where is the best place to hide a nigger's food stamps? Under his work boots.
Why do niggers have red eyes after having sex ? Because of the pepper spray
What's the difference between a nigger and a bike? When you put chains on a bike it doesn't start singing
How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black? Ever try taking a rib from a nigger?
What was missing from the million man march? An auctioneer
How long does it take a nigger to shit? Nine months
What do you call 100 niggers on the bottom of the sea? A good start
What does a smart nigger, and Santa Clause have in common? They're both fictional characters
Why are the trees in harlem so close together? Public transportation
In 4th Grade who has the biggest dick, the wetback, the white boy, or the nigger? The nigger,,, he's 16
What do you call a white man surrounded by 5 black men? victim
How about a white man surrounded by 10 men? A quarter-back
How about a white man surrounded by 20 black men? basketball coach and a white man surrounded by 40 black men? a football coach and finally a white man surrounded by 1,000 black men? a warden
What do you call a barn full of dead niggers? Antique farm equipment
What's long and black? The unemployment line
How do you start a black parade? By rolling a penny down the street
What goes Fee Fi Foe Fee Fi Foe Fee? Mike Tyson giving out his phone number
What do black people give their daughter when she turns 13? A baby shower
Why do niggers wear high heel shoes? So their knuckles won't drag on the ground
What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a nigger? A dumb gorilla
What do you get when you cross a monkey and a nigger? Nothing, monkeys are too smart to fuck niggers
What do niggers and sperm have in common? Only one in two million work
Why do niggers always have sex on their minds? Because of the pubic hair on their heads.
How did the nigger break his leg raking the leaves? He fell out of the tree.
How has Jesse Jackson lost the vote of most niggers? He promised to create jobs for them if elected.
What do you call a nigger in a suit? Defendant
What do black girls and bears have in common? They both suck their paws
What happened when the nigger looked up his family tree? A gorilla shit in his face
How do you get niggers out of your neighborhood?
Hide all the good cardboard boxes
Why do police dogs lick their asses so much?
To get the taste of NIGGER out of their mouths
Why do niggers have flat noses?
When they are born the doctor drops them on the floor, steps on the back of their heads and jerks the tail out.
What's black and white and red all over?
A nigger and seagull fighting over a french fry on the Jersey shore!
What's black and white and goes rolling along the boardwalk?
A nigger and a pigeon fighting over a chicken wing!
Did you hear about the little black kid who got diarrhea?
He thought he was melting
What do you call three blacks at a skinhead barbeque?
Charcoal.
How do you make a nigger nervous?
Take him to an auction.
What do you call two nigger motorcycle cops?
Chocolate CHiPs.
A cowboy, an indian, and a black man are sitting at a bar. the indian turns to the black man and says, "We once were many but now we're few". the black man replies, "We once were few but now we're many". the cowbay over hears all this and says to the black man, " Thats because we haven't played cowboys and niggers yet".
Did you hear of the new Black Barbie?
It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check .
What does NAACP stand for?
Niggers are actually colored polocks.
What do you call a black woman who gets an abortion?
A member of Crimestoppers of America.
Whats the difference between a black and a snow tire?
A snow tire won't sing when you put chains on it.
There is a 3 story apartment building with 1 apartment on each floor.
A white family lives on the top floor.
A mexican family lives on the second floor
A nigger family lives on the botom floor.
At 2:00 PM in the afternoon a terrrible tornado hits the building,
totally destroying it. Which family lived?
The White family, because both parents were at work and the kids were in school.
What is the American dream?
All the niggers go back to Africa with a Jew under each arm!
A ship sinks and the only survivors are a Russian, a Jamaican, a skinhead and a nigger. At sea for days, they finally come within sight of land. The Russian opens a hidden bottle of Stoli vodka, takes one swig and throws the remainder of the bottle into the water much to the other passangers dismay. The Russian explains that where he comes from, there is plenty of Stoli, it is worth nothing and means nothing. The Jamaican then procceds to light a huge blunt, takes one hit, and then throw the remainder to sea explaining, 'Mon, in my country we have plenty of marijuanna, it is worth nothing, means nothing.' So then the White man from New Jersey throws the nigger into the water!
What do you say to a black man in uniform?
"I'll have a Big Mac with cheese and a coke."
What is a nigger's favorite anti-perspirant?
Unemployment.
How can you spot a Black masochist?
He's the one working for a living.
Hear about the black version of "Shogun"?
It's called "Shonuff".
Why did all the blacks die in Vietnam ?
When the sergent said "Get down!", they got up and started dancing.
What do you call a black-midget in Ireland ?
A lepra-coon.
What are the six words you never ever want to hear a black man say?
"Hi, I be yo' new neighbor."
Why do blacks call white people "honkies"?
That's the last noise they hear before the white people run them over.
How was break dancing invented?
By black kids stealing hubcaps from moving cars.
Why does California have so many fags and New York have so many niggers?
California had first choice.
What is the difference between a "RAP" group's manager and a proctologist?
A proctologist only deals with one asshole at a time
What is the New York State motto?
Eat, Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow you may be killed by a nigger in Central park ."
What do you say to a nigger in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."
Why don't niggers celebrate Thanksgiving.?
Kentucky Fried Chicken isn't open on holidays.
Did you hear about the nigger with insomnia?
He kept waking up twice a week.
What do niggers say during foreplay?
"If you scream, bitch, I'll kill you!"
If Tarzan and Jane were black, what would Cheetah be?
The brains of the outfit.
What is eight miles long and has an I.Q. of 68?
The "Martin Luther King Day" parade.
How do you stop five niggers from raping a white woman?
Throw them a basketball.
What's the first thing taught in a Harlem driving school?
How to unlock a car with a coat hanger.
Why aren't there any sandboxes in Harlem ?
Cats keep trying to bury the baby niggers.
Hear about the new perfume for black women?
It's called "Eau de doo dah day."
Why are so many niggers moving to Detroit ?
They heard there were no jobs there.
What is white yet has a black asshole?
The Washington D.C. Mayor's office.
What does cotton have in common with noses?
Niggers are good at picking both.
What do you call a conversation between Jesse Jackson and James Brown?
Gibberish
Why was the wheelbarrow invented?
To teach Niggers to walk on their hind legs.
What is printed on all African products?
"Untouched by human hands."
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